Incident Report: The David Conundrum Pt. 1
Incident Report: # 021318
The David Conundrum
Pt I: Fizzle Magic
-garbled transmission-
Jack (Dia)
"Underland Radio is live, from No Man's Land."
"This is where anyone needs to tune in to find out the
current state of things needs to go."
Me
“Sponsored by the Board. If you exist, we own you.”
Jack (Dia)
"We're owned by Them. Souls and all."
Me
“Also by Underland Flakes, a scream
in every bowl.”
AmalgamationSage
Green Man Gardening Supplies: For
When The Spirits of The Forest Calls
Me
Okay, that was weird. Here, incident report starting…now.
-Transcription Starts-
-Unintelligible audio-
Me
“Don’t tell me what to do, damn it.”
Jack (Dia)
It’d be easier to do your job if you just typed faster.
Me
How high are you right now anyway?
Jack (Dia)
“You don’t wanna know.”
Me
“You know I hate it when you’re high at a meeting.”
Jack (Dia)
“You’d better speak up, I’m a deaf ass bitch.”
Me
“Why are you even smoking right now?”
Jack (Dia)
“For your information, I’m about to have a pissed off
proxy coming for us. I accidentally missed a Gallows call. “
Me
“Would you
please slow down, it’s hard enough to transcribe this as it is when we’re both
talking?”
Jack (Dia)
“Hire a scribe, dumbass. Or just let me do it.”
Me
“Fine, here.”
-faster typing begins-
Jack (Dia)
“Thank you, I need something to take the edge off.”
Me
“That’s what you get for ignoring Gallows. ”
Jack (Dia)
“Shut up and let me keep being better at your job than you
are.”
Me
“I hate you and everything you stand for.”
Jack (Dia)
“I think we have a fight coming, With everyone coming here
at once. I need another cigarette.”
Me
“You know I don’t like you smoking at the dinner table.”
Jack (Dia)
Shut up and let me go find my lighter.
Me
“I admittedly don’t like where this is going.”
Jack (Dia)
Quit complaining, you’re alive, aren’t you?”
Me
“Thank you for prolonging my suffering.”
Jack (Dia)
“You’re welcome. But will you please speak up? It’s like
you’re in another room even though you’re sitting right next to me.”
Me
“You’re the one with a cigarette, staring me right in the
face”
Jack (Dia)
“Are you fucking with me right now?”
Me
“You never laugh at my jokes anymore.”
Jack (Dia)
“We really need to find a better way to keep track of all of
this.”
Me
“We really do. But wait you said everyone, who else is
coming?”
Jack (Dia)
-counting off on her fingers-
“Advy is coming, David, Gallows, Shady, Owen, all coming to
No Man’s Land. It’s going to be
great.”
Me
“How high are you right now?”
Jack (Dia)
"Blazed to the heavens."
Me
“Is this going to be a problem?”
Jack (Dia)
“I don’t know, but the sandwich
demons are getting antsy.”
Me
“We need to get rid of this
demon/child problem.”
Jack (Dia)
“We do. I also need to calm down
before everything starts happening all at once.”
Me
“Would you like a hug?”
-hugs-
Me
“We’re not making this a regular
thing.”
“We’ve talked about this.”
Jack (Dia)
“Not to interrupt this moment, but
is that David outside?”
Me
“You sure you’re not lying to get
out of this?”
Jack (Dia)
“Yes, I pretty sure I am.”
-looks-
Me
“What is going on right now?”
Jack (Dia)
“That’s David, standing outside of
our window. Not speaking.”
Me
“Clearly I can see that.”
Jack (Dia)
“Are you going to let him in?”
Me
“Do I have to?”
Jack (Dia)
“Yeah, don’t be a bad host.”
Me
“You’re the bane of my existence.”
Jack (Dia)
“Still standing out there.”
Me
“It’s like he doesn’t understand
women.”
Jack (Dia)
“He doesn’t understand people in
general.”
Me
“How do you know sleep at night?”
Jack (Dia)
“I don’t, you know that.”
Me
“You know that means I deal with you
24/7.”
Jack (Dia)
“You know you love it.”
Me
“I used to be in the mailroom, I’d
rather be back there right now.”
Jack (Dia)
“Are you still bitching about that?
I’m a K6 now. We’re on the same level.”
Me
“No we’re not, you know even if they
tried to kill me, they trust me more than you.”
“Can’t I just take a walk and a
break from paperwork in peace?”
Jack (Dia)
"No you can’t, but I wonder if
David is really here."
Me
“I’m not leaving the house if he is.”
I’m not dying just because you’re
lazy.”
David
“I’m right here. What’s going on.
And who are you?”
Jack (Dia)
Well, you kind of know me. And
that’s Tag.
Tag
“Hi, I’m Tag. And none of my
internal organs are within my body.”
David
"Interesting."
Me
“I don’t know about that.”
Jack (Dia)
“Just calm down Tag, he’s not
going to kill you.”
Me
“I’m just trying to weigh my
options.”
Jack (Dia)
“I can never tell with you.”
David
“Either you explain what’s going on,
or I’m just going to stand here.”
Me
“I’m your boss and I don’t want to
hear about this.”
Jack (Dia)
You don’t have to stay, you could
just go home.”
Me
“… but everything is on fire at
home. And I just don’t want to listen to the sound of you boning.
It’s like porn playing in the forefront.”
David
“Is.. Am I missing something?”
Jack (Dia)
“You clearly don’t care why you’re
here.”
David
“But you care. You just don’t want
to admit it.”
Jack (Dia)
"David looks so confused."
Me
“I’m very apprehensive about this.”
Jack (Dia)
“Leave me alone, I’m trying to focus
on things. So look, I’m Dia, not the one you know, but the original. From the
Darkest Timeline. Long story short, because have fucked about 20 of us over.”
Me
“One timeline? More like several.”
David
“None of this makes any sense.”
Me
Sounds kind of fun.
Jack (Dia)
“How the fuck is that fun?”
David
“I still have no idea what’s going
on.”
Me
“What is wrong with both of you?”
David
“I was called here for some reason,
and clearly there’s some tension on both sides.”
Me
“I don’t like where this is going.”
“Why am I here for this?”
David
“You’re not the only one asking that
question.”
Jack (Dia)
“I can’t think or hear both of you
over this constant prattling. Listen, you’re here to put a fizzle spell on this
house. That’s it.”
Me
“There’s a bathroom on the left if
you want to wash up.”
“And technically he owes us raises
and whatever the fuck is going on.”
David
“Oh god what is going on here?”
Jack (Dia)
“Clearly you haven’t been paying any
attention.”
David
“I don’t understand whatever you’re
saying.”
Me
“That’s it, I’m going to the
kitchen. I need a beer.”
Jack (Dia)
“Fuck all of this.”
David
“I don’t want to be here right now.
I’m not sure I even know you.”
Me
“He definitely tortured you.”
Jack (Dia)
“And yeah I don’t like that one. I
don’t know you either”
“I really don’t want to know. Stop
talking about it.”
“I was hoping you were my David, I
thought you disappeared.”
David
“Would you really care if I was?”
“The fuck if I know.”
David
“I find this hilarious.”
Jack (Dia)
“ I don’t.”
Me
“So David isn’t helping us.”
David
“But you’re going to keep killing. I
don’t want any part in this.”
Me
“She doesn’t, it was in the
contract.”
Jack (Dia)
“ The culling was just paying the
blood I was owed.”
David
“Just. Stop.”
-David stays silent and stares them
both down, then walks out of the room-
Jack (Dia)
"Well that was confusing."
Me
“Yeah the audio terrible.”
“ I blame the evil cell service.”
Jack (Dia)
"I don't know. I'm so
tired."
Me
“You go rest, Jack.”
Jack (Dia)
"That just made life
confusing."
Me
“It’s been a long day.”
“Yeah we have no idea which David
that is.”
“And he didn’t even help us
Jack (Dia)
"Let him be."
Me
“If you say so.”
Jack (Dia)
"I have enough memories to last
a lifetime of him."
Me
“You sure? You want anything? You
look kind of down.”
Jack (Dia)
"Nothing matters right
now."
"I guess David imprinted on me
stronger than I thought."
"No matter. Just another lost
friendship."
Me
“I guess? Come on Jack. Snark
at me, call be a bitch.”
“This isn’t like you.”
Jack (Dia)
"I'm too mentally weary for
that."
Me
“So, yeah, I guess it’s come
to this again.”
-Hugs-
Jack (Dia)
"I just lost a friend. Over
shit I didn't do or cause."
Me
“I know. Just, don’t let it get you
down.”
“He didn’t understand. That’s fine.”
“Always someone else to help us,
right?”
Jack (Dia)
I didn’t do this
"His Lilith did"
Me
“You didn’t. Neither of us did.”
Jack (Dia)
"I'm the one paying for
it."
Me
“ I guess so.”
“But you shouldn’t have to.”
Jack (Dia)
"Lilith was the Dia you
knew."
"She did all this."
Me
“It’s actually all on her.”
Jack (Dia)
"And now I'm getting blamed for
it."
-David walks back into the room-
DAVID
“And yet you blamed me for all of
this.”
"The all this might be the part
I'm having problems with. All what?"
Me
“It’s kind of why we’re both here in
the first place.”
“Oh the aftermath of the culling,
Underland being on fire.”
DAVID
"You know that none of those
words mean anything to me right?"
Jack (Dia)
"The deaths that were
ordered."
"The girl you tortured."
"She did that "
"You have never met me."
"Not this version of me."
Me
“She’s the original.”
Jack (Dia)
"It doesn't matter. Go home,
David."
Me
“The first Dia. From the darkest
timeline.”
“He wants to know, Jack.”
Me
“He came all this way, we owe him
this much.”
Jack (Dia)
"He doesn't care."
"Not this one."
"I wish the one that cared came
back "
Me
“If you say so.”
“Sorry David. I guess you don’t have
a reason to be here.”
DAVID
"Twenty timelines you say. Yet
it seems like you don't know me at all."
Me
“The David we knew was thrown into a
cell by the Board.”
“You? I don’t know.”
DAVID
"What happened to my husband in
your timeline?"
Jack (Dia)
"He died. Horribly."
DAVID
"So not much different
there."
Me
“Sadly kind of why that had to throw
you in a cell.”
Jack (Dia)
"You were our friend in that
timeline."
"I miss that David
sometimes."
"No one to miss, I guess. I
think he's dead"
Me
“He May have been an asshole. But he
was our asshole.”
DAVID
"Tell me about the
culling."
Jack (Dia)
"Why?"
Me
“You already said you weren’t going
to help.”
Jack (Dia)
"You already decided you were
against it."
"Why does it matter?"
"You refused to help. End of
story."
DAVID
"Because I want to know.."
Me
“Jack. Listen. He wants to know.”
Jack (Dia)
"The Culling is a coup Lilith
held in the Board."
"I am now a k..6? Mardi Gras
District Manager."
"A lot of people are dying,
this fortnight."
DAVID
"Why are they dying?"
Me
“Repay the blood debt we owe.”
Jack (Dia)
"Because she order 66'd the
code breakers"
DAVID -
"order 66?"
Jack (Dia)
"And now I get to uphold the
contract."
"Kill command"
DAVID
"See, this is where things are
breaking down for me."
Me
“She has them killed en masse.”
Jack (Dia)
"He hates killing."
DAVID
"but /why/?"
Me
“When we made sanctuary, it wasn’t
big enough to survive on its own.”
Jack (Dia)
"He doesn't care why it
happened "
Me
“He’s asking about it a lot.”
Jack (Dia)
"You're going to tell him
the whole thing aren't you?"
"He doesn't need to know my sob
story."
Me
“Hey, he might help us if he knows
all of the details.”
Jack (Dia)
"I've had enough pity to last a
thousand timelines"
"I won't grovel for help"
Me
“Either we do this or wait for
Gallows.”
Jack (Dia)
"Why are we debating the
loyalty of a man who already said no?"
"He can go home. All debts
paid. I don't care anymore."
Me
“Because if he can help us, I’d
prefer to have him in the fold. You know we need all the help we can get.”
DAVID
"You're a fucking coward Jack.
All that work, all I've done. And you can't be borrowed to let me in. Running
away the moment things look bad. Curling up in denial. I'm asking, because
there's a possibility I'm wrong. And I'm strong enough to know that. So pull
your part in the chain and /talk/ to me."
bothered not borrowed
Jack (Dia)
"I have done nothing."
"I already begged for your
help"
"I'm not a killer."
DAVID
"I don't need you to beg. I
need you to explain."
Jack (Dia)
"But I will be responsible for
all these deaths."
"All I wanted was my friends
back."
Me
“We all have blood on our hands
here.”
Jack (Dia)
"A chance to fix our
lives."
"You know in one timeline, we
wound up together?"
DAVID
"I believe it."
Jack (Dia)
"Yeah. I still have all of
those memories."
"It's hard to look at
you."
Me
“To her, it happened.”
“So forgive her for being cranky.”
Jack (Dia)
"To me that's who I'll always
see."
"You aren't that man."
DAVID -
"I'm not."
Jack (Dia)
"That man was good, and kind,
and loyal."
"You are a stranger wearing his
face."
DAVID
"You done wallowing yet?"
Jack (Dia)
"You done patronizing me?"
"I don't have to explain shit
to you. All you've done is make me feel worse."
"Go back the way you
came."
"You clearly don't want to be
here. So go."
"I clearly can't do this. Your
face is too much."
DAVID
"Such a waste."
Jack (Dia)
"What is?"
Me
“I’m just... going to get
another beer.”
Jack (Dia)
"My being tired of chasing you
in some format for ten years, in 20 lifetimes?"
"That's over 200 of my
accumulative memories."
"Involving you."
"And I'm just so tired."
"I'm tired of looking for you. Begging
you. Loving you. Trying to kill you."
"Every timeline
different."
"You owe me nothing. I will
edit the Contract. You are free to go."
Me
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah she is.”
Jack (Dia)
"You made your appearance. Now
leave."
DAVID
"I knew a girl. Full of light.
Bright, but naive. Stupid. So stupid. But full of potential. A girl who I knew
maybe three weeks. But she changed my life. Left a scar in my heart. Set me on
an entirely different path. And.... then she comes back. But not really. Same face,
different girl."
Jack (Dia) -
"Your Dia died in 2014."
"Even she loved you."
DAVID
"I loved her."
Jack (Dia)
"You broke us all. But her most
of all."
"How can I look in your face?
Watch you tell us no?"
DAVID
"Well you're hardly giving me an
option to say yes are you?"
Jack (Dia)
"You want me to sit around and
talk about how painful this is?"
"I keep begging you."
"In every timeline."
"Please stop. Please don't.
Come back. Go away. Please help me. Please love me. Go burn in hell."
"I remember every voice.
Begging you a thousand times over."
"It is painful to see
you."
"All I wanted was my friend
back."
DAVID
"Such a waste. You
breaking."
Jack (Dia)
"I never broke."
DAVID
"Yeah you did."
Jack (Dia)
"
Jack (Dia)
"Why?"
You already said you weren’t going
to help.”
Jack (Dia)
"You already decided you were
against it."
"Why does it matter?"
"You refused to help. End of
story."
DAVID
"Because I want to know.."
Me
“Jack. Listen. He wants to know.”
Jack (Dia)
"The Culling is a coup
Lilith held in the Board."
"I am now a k..6? Mardi Gras
District Manager."
"A lot of people are dying,
this fortnight."
DAVID
"Why are they dying?"
Me
“Repay the blood debt we owe.”
Jack (Dia)
"Because she order 66'd the
code breakers"
DAVID
"Order 66?"
Jack (Dia)
"And now I get to uphold the
contract."
"Kill command"
DAVID
"See, this is where things are
breaking down for me."
Me
“She has them killed en masse.”
Jack (Dia)
"He hates killing."
DAVID
"but /why/?"
Me
“When we made sanctuary, it wasn’t
big enough to survive on its own.”
Jack (Dia)
"He doesn't care why it
happened "
Me
“He’s asking about it a lot.”
Jack (Dia)
"You're going to tell him the
whole thing aren't you?"
"He doesn't need to know my sob
story."
Me
“Hey, he might help us if he knows
all of the details.”
Jack (Dia)
"I've had enough pity to last a
thousand timelines"
"I won't grovel for help"
Me
“Either we do this or wait for
Gallows.”
Jack (Dia)
"Why are we debating the
loyalty of a man who already said no?"
"He can go home. All debts
paid. I don't care anymore."
Me
“Because if he can help us, I’d
prefer to have him in the fold. You know we need all the help we can get.”
Jack (Dia)
DAVID
"You're a fucking coward
Jack. All that work, all I've done. And you can't be bothered to let me in.
Running away the moment things look bad. Curling up in denial. I'm asking,
because there's a possibility I'm wrong. And I'm strong enough to know that. So
pull your part in the chain and /talk/ to me."
Jack (Dia)
"I have done nothing."
"I already begged for your
help"
"I'm not a killer."
DAVID
"I don't need you to beg. I
need you to explain."
Jack (Dia)
"But I will be responsible for
all these deaths."
"All I wanted was my friends
back."
Me
“We all have blood on our hands
here.”
Jack (Dia)
"A chance to fix our
lives."
"You know in one timeline, we
wound up together?"
DAVID
"I believe it."
Jack (Dia)
"Yeah. I still have all of
those memories."
"It's hard to look at
you."
Me
“To her, it happened.”
“So forgive her for being cranky.”
Jack (Dia)
"To me that's who I'll always
see."
"You aren't that man."
DAVID
"I'm not."
Jack (Dia)
"That man was good, and kind,
and loyal."
"You are a stranger wearing his
face."
DAVID
"You done wallowing yet?"
Jack (Dia)
"You done patronizing me?"
"I don't have to explain shit
to you. All you've done is make me feel worse."
"Go back the way you
came."
"You clearly don't want to be
here. So go."
"I clearly can't do this. Your
face is too much."
DAVID
"Such a waste."
Jack (Dia)
"What is?"
Me
“I’m just... going to get
another beer.”
Jack (Dia)
"My being tired of chasing you
in some format for ten years, in 20 lifetimes?"
"That's over 200 of my
accumulative memories."
"Involving you."
"And I'm just so tired."
"I'm tired of looking for you.
Begging you. Loving you. Trying to kill you."
"Every timeline
different."
"You owe me nothing. I will
edit the Contract. You are free to go."
Me
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah she is.”
Jack (Dia)
"You made your appearance. Now
leave."
DAVID
"I knew a girl. Full of light.
Bright, but naive. Stupid. So stupid. But full of potential. A girl who I knew
maybe three weeks. But she changed my life. Left a scar in my heart. Set me on
an entirely different path. And.... then she comes back. But not really. Same
face, different girl."
Jack (Dia)
"Your Dia died in 2014."
"Even she loved you."
DAVID
"I loved her."
Jack (Dia)
"You broke us all. But her most
of all."
"How can I look in your face?
Watch you tell us no?"
DAVID
"Well you're hardly giving me
an option to say yes are you?"
Jack (Dia)
"You want me to sit around and
talk about how painful this is?"
"I keep begging you."
"In every timeline."
"Please stop. Please don't.
Come back. Go away. Please help me. Please love me. Go burn in hell."
"I remember every voice.
Begging you a thousand times over."
"It is painful to see
you."
"All I wanted was my friend
back."
DAVID
"Such a waste. You
breaking."
Jack (Dia)
"I never broke."
DAVID
"Yeah you did."
Jack (Dia)
"I became a keeper because of you."
"That hunting knife of yours."
"You told me to keep a souvenir."
"So I did."
"I have every memory if every painful death in the 20
timelines."
"You killed us during the kidnapping, one
timeline."
"Another, she got pregnant, and you left her in a
puddle of blood, watching as her kid died as she did."
"Another, you never raped us. Just kidnapped us. We
fell in love. Honestly, truly."
"Another, we vowed to kill each other."
"Twenty different lives. Sharing your face. And here
you stand."
"So fuck you, David. I survived."
"Most of them didn't."
DAVID
"And so you broke. It's understandable I suppose."
Jack (Dia)
"Another, she begged him to choke her to death. So the
pain would stop."
Me
“It was all she could do.”
Jack (Dia)
"He watched the light go out in her eyes."
"His eyes were the laser saw."
"So when I look at you.. All I see is pain."
DAVID
"And you can't handle it."
Jack (Dia)
"I can."
"I just don't have any reason to."
"You said you were leaving. I told you what you wanted
to know."
"Go back to your comfy home in Overland."
"Do you have any idea what I want to do when I see
you?"
DAVID
"Pathetic." And he leaves.
- But not before peeing on the stoop-
Jack (Dia)
"Motherfucking asshole."
"My land is not his to mark. I'd have rather gone
without."
"At least I didn't have to fuck him."
"I've died less than he is in the verses."
"He doesn't realize he's the last David alive."
"Pathetic, my fucking ass."
-End Transcription-
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PS. Sorry, just to clarify. I'm not really in the safest spot right now. If the post is a little garbled, I can't help that.
This is just part 1, hopefully the other part uploads later.
Stay safe, Underland.
- Tag
*snickers* I love how i'm better at your job than you are at times.
ReplyDeleteYou're an asshole for what you did next.
I'm an asshole? Please, I'm just an enabler.
ReplyDelete