Deals, Steals, and Another Corporate Merger...

Is what I would say, if the Board was just a normal mega conglomerate.

They're a bit more particular than that.

Problem is, they want something from me in exchange for clearing up some rather embarrassing transgressions on my part.

Miss Renalda. We need to talk.

Upper Management would like to make a very lucrative deal that would benefit all of us.

And would actually save my skin from some pretty serious punishments.

Listen, you'd get just as much out of this as I do. I don't get to die, and you and your pals get a slush fund to throw around for whatever it is you're doing there.

But I know you're going to ask, how am I supposed to ask her for help?

In my mind, it sounds a bit like this:

"You're getting my head out of the damn noose, for one. And I get a swanky new lease on life after some previous fuck ups."

 

"Don't disappoint me, Miss Renalda."

I sent that text, halfheartedly hoping I'd get a response.  She knows I only call her that when I'm pissed.

And that was about half an hour ago.

I got a call on my personal cell, it was Red's ringtone.

-Begin Transcription-

Red: And what do you want now, Tag?

 

 Me: You owe me one, Red. Remember Disney World."

Red: "Damn it I do. That should have been a PR nightmare."

Me:"It was a PR Nightmare. Do you know how many hours it took me trying to convince the rest of the departments not to put your head on a pike? But you know what? Higher ups wouldn't have let it happen. You're their golden girl, Red. But me? I'm easy pickings in middle management,"

Red: "So what do you want, Tagalong?"

Me: "Look, I like you, Red. But I'm not dying to keep your Neverland Ranch alive unless I get something out of it."

Red: "Fuck you, Tag."

Me: "How about we make a deal?"

Red: "What sort of deal?"

Me: You cut off a small chunk of real estate rights for us. Let me present that to the company, and you keep your little orphan Annie's in line long enough to see this through".

Red: "This sounds like a bribe."

Me: "Call it a resource merger."

Red: "This seems way too generous for you, Tag."

Me: "Listen, either you help me out, or management going to have to come down and settle this. With a torture session and beheading for the both of us. How about it Red Queen, are we going to hash it out with a white rose bush of peace and brotherhood?" 

Red: "Fuck, at least we're not the ones bleeding."

Me: "So what'll it be, Red? Do we have an accord?"

Red: " I still don't buy any of this, Tag. What's going on?"

Me: "You couldn't just go one week without causing any major planned chaos, could you?"

Red:"No. No point in lying about it."

Me; "Would it kill you to just.. not fly off the reservation once in a while? Because lying is good, Lying is our fucking job!"

Me:We're here to keep people in the dark about what we do, and keep the powers that be happy.

If that means staying off the radar, we do that."

 -I sigh in frustration-

Red" "Not mine. My job is to tell the truth in such a way no one thinks to ask about the details."

Me: "You're on thin ice, Red."

Me: "It's dangerous"

Red:"And how the fuck am I supposed to help people if I go off the radar?"

Me: "Do it quietly or something. I don't know. Fuck the right person into silence, bribe someone."

"You can't just go around burning down buildings and killing people when it isn't on your priority list."

Red:"You think these readers have caught half the background details I've alluded to? Fuck no. They like the story. They don't WANT to know the messy details."

Red: "And Bribe who? And with what money??"

Me:"There's always a chain of command, and we have slush funds. We have the means. If you'd just come back once in a while, I could help a bit more!"

Me: "But I already do. I file your reports. The stuff that you leave out is thankfully the stuff that'll get us both killed."

Me: "And unlike you, I don't come back with a headache."

Red: "....you couldn't resist fucking with me about that, could you?"

Me: "No, I can't. Because I'm not the golden girl of the higher ups. I'm expendable.

"And I'll be periwinkle blue if I'm scapegoated to save some corporate cockgoblin's skin."

Red: "I quit FIVE YEARS AGO. Why would I report in?"

Me:"Because you didn't file the right paperwork! No one quits. They've been keeping you on the radar the entire time. Why do you think I'm here? A Sunday fucking special at an amusement park?"

Red: "Who files paperwork to quit a fucking job?!!"

Me: "Everyone? You ever file a two weeks? That's one document. You could have filed one fucking document and saved both of our asses."

Red: "Wait. Are you telling me I'm technically still employed? Why the fuck haven't I been getting paid, then? I want my back pay, damn it!"

Me: "But no, you're too much of a maverick, Red. And of course you aren't getting paid. You didn't file for it."

Red: "And you know I hate paperwork."

Me: "Yeah, I know, I do yours."

Red: "Well then, how do I file for it then?"

Me: "You want your 9-5 slip? Cut a deal with me, I'll throw some paper at the right people and get you back on the payroll".

Red: "What about my back pay? Technically I have five years of being their bitch I could've been getting paid for."And exactly what kind of deal are we talking here?"

Me:" Oh and you lost that the minute you left the office and flipped off the tax adjutant. Also, here's the smaller details. You give the company some free reign in your little sanctuary. Let some people get their feet wet, and just... let us into the fold. "

Red: "....oh yeah. But can't I like.. Make that go away though? Do an assignment or two to make up for it?"

Me: "Well, they'll have to be big assignments.Spill enough blood and gather enough bodies, anything is possible."

Red: "You know I can't break my code of conduct."

Me: "But you can bend it. Doesn't say the people have to stay dead, does it? Just make sure the place is a safe haven for the rest of us chaotic types, and everything will be peachy."

 

Red: "No.. But you'd have to take that up with top brass. You know the deal I had to make with Him. I can't break the conditions of that deal. It's literally what's keeping me alive. I break that deal, I won't just stop having a pulse when I sleep. I won't have one at all."

Me: "I'll break some red tape. Just for this occasion."You know I'm good for it."

Me: Please Red, I'm begging here."

Red: "I'm already doing that, though. The borders will always be open for all factions. As long as they follow the code of conduct."

Red: "That's MY red tape."

Me: "Always a pain in my ass. Fine. We keep the code of conduct. You make sure we know every thing that's going on here. Doesn't matter if it's just a proxy getting a splinter."

"If shit goes wrong, we need to hear about it."

Red:"Sigh. What are you getting out of this? I know it isn't just for my well being. Tell me what's really going on."

Me: "Okay, you want the truth?"

Red: "I'll agree to start filing incident reports if you tell me the truth. Yes."

Me: "My head's in a damn noose. If I don't find a way to get the higher ups some grand avenue access to your sanctuary, I'm dead."

Me:  "And you owe me, Red. Not that I'm not a man of distinguished character, But I'm living through whatever the fuck is going to happen next."

Red: "(Redacted) technically already has access, Tag."

Me: "They all want in, Red. They're calling it a Merger. Some sort of underland type deal. It doesn't smell right."

Red: "They have to agree not to use it to attack Sanctuary. Ever. Ever ever."

Me: "They'll do that. But they need your permission. Your land, your spell. Your agreement with the big [redacted]."

Red: "If you can get their vow in writing and we go into negotiations, I will agree."

Me: "There's no way this is all you're asking me for."

Red: "I have more terms to think of. I'll call you, alright?"

Me: "Then I guess this is settled."

Red: "Consider our debts settled, Tag. I'll be in touch."

-End Transcription-

This is going to be a long negotiating session.